Both Hands Project: One for the Widow, One for the Orphan

It's finally here! Our Both Hands service day is tomorrow! 9-3pm. We are thanking God and all the wonderful people at "Both Hands" and "Lifesong for Orphans" for making this event and fundraising opportunity possible. Both Hands is a non-profit organization, whose theory behind the project is:  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.  James 1:27


We've met with Miss Helen, a woman in our community, who lost her husband several years ago and currently suffers from MS. She is currently confined to her bed. Josh and I have been blessed to get to know her through this project, and can't even begin to list all of instances where we've witness God's handiwork and planning in this project. We've received donations from Home Depot, Habitat for Humanity Restore in Winchester, Benjamin Moore Paint, Sherwin Williams, Food Lion, Martins, and Apple Valley Waste: Over $400 worth of materials and services for helping Miss Helen at her home! Thank you to all the awesome people donating food for our volunteer lunch tomorrow, and letting us borrow your tools. You all are incredible. We couldn't have pulled it together without you.  


To support this project and make a tax-deductible donation to our adoption, please see our fundraising page to learn more. http://bothhandsfoundation.org/josh-and-jen-prusha.aspx  

Pressing In

Sometimes we need people around us when we can’t look past our present circumstances or are choosing to live in the past.

I just came back from a much-needed weekend to hear from God. Sometimes God’s voice comes audibly, though I can’t tell you I’ve ever heard it that way. Most of the time it’s reading his Word and applying it to my life. It’s hearing my inner voice. Sometimes it’s an intense feeling. Sometimes it’s praying and seeing a sudden vision or word. Sometimes the messages come through other people.

I don’t think it’s any secret that our adoption has been denied- twice if I’m being technical. However, God has told us it’s not over. I’ve not once doubted God’s plan, but I guess I’ve been preparing my heart for defeat and the possibility of a new plan that I can’t quite see yet. And it hurts.

I’ve doubted myself. I think perhaps I haven’t been following his path correctly. In the midst of my self-doubt, I have overlooked the way God has led my husband, two organizations, our agency, and so many others on this journey that we are now all a part of. I have completely ignored the way God has led some of the most god-fearing people I know to graciously pray for us, and to give to our boys’ cause. He’s led Josh’s work, my school, our church and most of the children in it to believe this is going to happen. 

Because things have turned ugly, I’ve been thinking I’ve led all of these people astray. But this is not about me. I haven’t been the one getting people to support the boys. I’ve completely discredited God’s power, because this is about Him and what he can do. He hasn’t just been using us to give these precious boys a family. He’s using all of you who are reading this. All this time God is saying, “Daughter, I know it looks hopeless right now, but DO YOU SEE WHO I AM SENDING TO HELP YOU???  I showed you with _____, and _______, and ________, and then again with (insert amazing act of love here). But you continue to ignore it! When will you finally believe that I will fight for you?”

Landscape in South Estonia. Photo by Arne Ader.

To all who are following our journey, I will try to explain our complicated saga.

1. In March we received a letter of denial after we were in the final stretch of completing our adoption of three biological brothers, who we’ve met and loved for over a year now. Much of it is due to our age (27 and 28) and the fact that we have no prior experience in raising children. Our agency believes there are deeper reasons beyond our control, including some recent poor American family examples. The Estonians are worried for their children and only want the best possible situation for them, especially if they are to leave their country. Can I blame them? 

2. Immediately we were advised to hire an Estonian lawyer in one of the largest firms in the Baltic region. They have represented two families in the past. This appeal is to ask the Committee to reconsider their decision.

3. After gathering support letters, our lawyer filed an appeal and after one month of waiting for feedback, we learned that the judge would not give our situation any consideration.

4. We are now filing a 2^nd appeal at Estonia’s district court level to contest that the procedure for our case was not being followed correctly. If we win, the judge must consider our petition again. We will not know the outcome of this 3^rd decision for another 1-3 months. If it ends favorably, it will go back down to steps 3 and then hopefully back to step 1 again for reconsideration.

We have not given a dime to in-country fees to Estonia regarding the adoption. About 1/4 of the total costs have been spent on travel, third party fees, and to our agency. Many have asked about bribes, but I believe Estonians would be offended if we tried to do this. Everything has gone according to protocol, and has been very professional in our experience. We wouldn't be required to pay these agencies (aside from our lawyer) for a failed adoption. But, when things ARE finalized, the balance will be due in one giant chunk, so we still need to be ready. 

If (I guess I should be saying when) we make it back to step 1, there may be another opportunity to meet with the Committee in person if our lawyer thinks it may help. I would jump on that chance. If they think we may be able to show our commitment in another way- living there for a time, getting a psychological evaluation, etc, Here I am. We are just waiting on the word. But for now, that word is WAIT.

As I said, I am able to rest in the peace of knowing God is going to work this out, and given all things mentioned above, I am no longer doubting that this is going to happen the way my heart hopes it will. It may not happen in the timing I thought was perfect, but there is a bigger picture being painted, and it’s not all about me.

Thank you to the many, many people who have helped me to see it could be about the things God could be doing to prepare the heart of any person who has a hand in this. Thank you for giving me affirmation that certain messages may have been meant for me. Thank you to "Both Hands" and "Lifesong for Orphans" for not giving up on us, but putting us on your prayer lists and sending us encouragement and your belief that this will be a success in the end.

Please pray for:

1. Our Both Hands project on June 23^rd and for our team, who will be helping us beautify a local widow’s home, while we raise tax-deductible funds to help meet our adoption fundraising goal. Our current goal has increased due to lawyer fees. Please pray for motivation, for more to join us, for the support letters that will go out, and for people to be moved by this. http://bothhandsfoundation.org/josh-and-jen-prusha.aspx

2. God’s perfect timing. Pray for me to know what he is calling me to do in the meantime (as there are many ideas brewing in my head and heart).

3. Please pray for the new head of the Ministry to find favor in us and to be BOLD in making big things happen. I think she is our best hope in having sway over the Committee.

4. For our boys to stay where they are and not be moved around to another orphanage/group home. I am so thankful for the care they were given back in January when we met with them and love the group home director. She is wonderful, and I can tell she cares for the boys deeply. I hope they are still there.

5. For Josh and I to learn to be okay with sitting in-limbo for another several months.

Thank you to all for the encouragement you’ve given us in so many forms. It is undeniable that’s he’s placed many of you to say the right things at the right times to remind us not to give up. It might have been a word, a donation, support letter, a hug, or a prayer. We’ve felt it all. You are all a part of this beautiful picture God is painting. 

Jen Hatmaker-I'm Not Done Yet

May 22nd.  Last post was a month ago, so it seems about right that we do another one. The problem is we have no real news. All this praying and hoping and waiting and nothing really to show for it.  Other than this whole thing is turning out to be a lot more complicated and lengthy than we ever realized. If we continue with our 2nd appeal, we face at least two months before we can find out if we can still file our original petition to appeal the decision that was given to us. Follow that? I can hardly keep up. As a desperate mother, I am willing to do whatever it takes- psych evaluation if it helps, go on trial, move there.  If I knew it brought us closer for good, I would do it.  Right now I don't have any of those answers. And so we sit. We wait. We wonder if God will include us on his plan to bring justice to these incredible boys or if he has another adoption plan for us. Or maybe he is just waiting to see how long it takes me to crack. I am pretty close. Reading these posts from this author make me feel challenged and understood even on my worst days.  So I am going to repost one right here, because their story is too awesome. Please read about the trials Jen and her family faced as they adopted two children, Remy and Beniam (Ben), from Ethiopia. Jen Hatmaker- please don't come after me for reposting your writing.  I give you all the credit. :)

Love,

Jen
....

Fast forward to March 10th, that blessed court date. Now understand that I had already informed God that I didn't want to be "one of those families." The sad, sorry folks who didn't pass and had all the troubles and waded through messy bureaucratic drivel and watched as everyone else passed them like they were going in reverse. The ones that clogged up the Facebook feed with bad news and had to answer the same questions twenty times a day about any movement? and who seemed like they had lost the will to live.

I mean, I thought I had made that clear.

So when Remy passed that very day like she was just taking a leisurely stroll through Central Park on holiday - exactly how I told God to work it out - we were devastated when Ben didn't pass. Devastated. And the rhythm repeated:

"God, we're confused."
"I'm not done yet."

We'd seen other families who didn't pass court get their clearance within a week or two, so we naturally assumed our happy phone call was coming any day now. Remy was submitted for Embassy. Any day now. One month. Any day now. The court asked for additional documents on Ben. Any day now. Remy was cleared for travel in April. Any day now. We turned in some other official decrees. Any day now. Two months. Any day now. Three months. Please, God. Please. Any day now. "It doesn't look good for this case." Any day now. Crying, begging, pleading, cursing. Any day now. Four months. No. No.

"God, we're confused." 
"I'm not done yet." 

Let me be fair: When I recount our line as "God, we're confused," that sounds tame, almost like a little old grandma who got lost at the corner of 5th and Lamar until a kindly police officer asked if he could help her and she chuckled and shook her head and said, "Well I guess I got a little confused!" and they shared a knowing laugh about who can figure out all these confounded streets down here? and he pointed her west and she made it to her destination just in time for the quilting guild.

When we said "we're confused", it involved crying and wailing and days when I couldn't get out of bed. It included a string of months where, I swear to you, time stood still. I sobbed over other people's happy adoption news as I typed nice words on their Facebook pages. It included a phone call from my mother-in-law after my daughter told her, "I'm worried about my mom." My hair started falling out in clumps and my fingernails peeled off in layers. I lashed out at Brandon and my kids and Jesus on bad days; on worse days, I wondered aloud if God had any control at all over this chaotic, broken world. I doubted his invervention and questioned his sovereignty.

So yeah, that's what I mean by "confused."

And then we got this: "We're getting a rejection letter for Beniam's adoption, and we think you should consider coming to get Remy." No. No. How could this possibly be our situation? How? We were the compassionate mother who refused to split the baby in half even if it meant separation from us. How could we go back to Ethiopia and fly away with just one of them? How could we break our son's heart like that? How could God possibly be in this? Is he just mean? Has he forgotten us? Has he forgotten Ben? This is not the story we signed on for. This chapter stinks. I'm starting to hate this book.

"God, we're confused."
"I'm not done yet."

In the dead of night as I sobbed into my pillow, begging God to comfort our son as we prepared to travel for Remy, he delivered "Love Ben" fully developed into my mind. And if you're the believing type who buys the "God works all things for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" stuff, then you might not be surprised to hear that we witnessed hundreds of moments of glory through Love Ben.

Hundreds.

Like the 80-year-old outspoken racist who set his alarm for 1:00am to pray for Beniam at the start of the Ethiopian work day.

Like the multiple emails I got from adopted adults who were prompted to reconcile with birth parents, deal with decades-old wounds, and find peace.

Like the birth mother whose heart God healed after giving up her son 17 years ago.

Like the entire church who highlighted Ben's story and set up a Love Ben Photo Booth after both services.

Like the college friend who told me she was praying again for the first time in 20 years.

Like the bundles of you who emailed to say you've decided to adopt.

Like the mamas and daddies who taught their children about orphans and God's mercy and used Ben's little face as a tangible tool.

Please believe me, these could go on and on. Rays of God's light kept bursting through the dark. Just when I though my heart would expire, I'd get an email that said, "I told Ben's story at the camp we're running for foster kids, and they broke out in spontaneous prayer and singing for God to rescue him."

Evidently God can wrestle glory out of the hard parts of the story.

Ben passed court the week before we traveled to get Remy, but our agency prepared us for egregious delays and possible litigation at the Embassy stage because of his rejection letter (I assure you, this had nothing to do with his orphan status). So Brandon and I prepared for a fight. We threw down fighting words. We said stuff like, "What happens in fight club stays in fight club!" We kicked some chairs over and threw gang signs. We were all, "WHATEVER, HATERS! You messed with the wrong peeps!" It was all super aggressive with loads of swagger.

Then we flew to Ethiopia. And held our son while he threw up and sobbed in our laps and clung to our necks, as we drove away with Remy, his only family on the same continent. And all the bravado disappeared into sorrow. I cried for 24 hours without stopping.

"We're so confused, God."
"I'm not done yet."

Are you sure, God? Because I'm pretty convinced all our hearts are broken. Is there work left to be done? Is there something we can't see? Would you please just assure us that you haven't forgotten Ben and our family? Can we trust you to make this beautiful? Because it doesn't feel beautiful. It feels aching and devastating and horribly unjust. We believe you but we can't see.

But let it be said that God is still in the miracle business. As our agency prepared to submit Ben for Embassy, they were asked to try to secure his approval letter one last time, attempting to avoid the cluster ahead of us without it. Just as a courtesy, our agency went back to the government office, the same one who refused to write the letter for five months, in an effort I dubbed "the biggest waste of time on planet earth." They'd made their position clear on Ben's case, and had already died on this hill if you will. So whatever. Thanks for this great idea, Embassy. Maybe they can suck another five months of our lives away.

They wrote it.

SHUT UP. Yes they did. They wrote it on a Thursday, and Ben was submitted for Embassy the very next day. With all his paperwork intact. Every last piece of paper. They cleared him for travel four business days later on Thursday, and Brandon got on a plane three days later. Last Sunday.

This is what God does.

When God said he wasn't done yet, he just wasn't done yet. He wasn't speaking in code. It wasn't a trick. The story was still in the middle, but I wanted to flip ahead to the end, past the conflict and struggle and straight to the happy ending. As Keeper of the Story, God knew the whole plot. He promised us way back that he planned on seeing these two children all they way from brokenness and abandonment to our home in Texas, an unlikely journey if ever there was one. And at the risk of whitewashing the difficult middle, we have one of them here and the other will be here Sunday, so he was faithful.

God doesn't promise us a clean middle part of the story. He never said we wouldn't encounter antagonists and drama and surprise twists and heartbreak. We weren't assured a G-rated plot where good feelings are peddled and no one dies or leaves or fails or waits. God promised things like healing and restoration and redemption. Which implies there will be injuries and broken relationships and losses. When he speaks of beauty from ashes, he seems to know there will be actual ashes to resurrect beauty from.

If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this: God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you. You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you.

It is okay to be confused; I'm afraid that is our lot as finite creatures dealing with an infinite God. Some of God's best heros were confused in their subplots. But I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. Because God is good and he is for goodness.

And he just isn't done yet.

Chapter 1: Hope and Healing

Dare I open the stack of dvd's and new adoption books that came in the mail?  (Thank you SHOWHOPE-  everyone who applies for a grant has the option to order a load of adoption resources for free).  Well, after weeks of looking at them and worrying that they'll only upset me in our present situation, I decided to open the study guide, "Created to Connect." It's a spin-off of Karyn Purvis' The Connected Child, a wonderful book that has even helped me in the classroom. The first article was all about HOPE. If you have adopted and haven't read this study guide I would suggest it.  It has discussion questions for small groups, too. I'm just going to quote the first paragraph, which is really for post-adoption, but still helped me today.

"Hope.  It's a little word with lots of different meanings at that.  Hope is something everyone wants and certainly needs. Without hope, there is little reason to go on, as in the saying that signals the bitter end- "when all hope is lost." With hope and for hope people persevere and do extraordinary things, even though it may seem to some that the situation is "beyond all hope." And when hope merely proves to be "false hope" or hope seemingly fails, it can be discouraging and at times even devastating.  The question is not whether hope is important in our lives, but rather what exactly is hope and how can we find it."

I sure did need that today.  Thank you, Dr. Purvis and M&A Monroe.

Faith or Insanity?

Faith?  Or beyond insanity?  Faith or pure denial? I'm not sure which category I am in anymore, but I'd like to think it's faith.

I don't have much to note on, but I want to let you all know we are moving forward with filing the appeal for our boys. It should happen soon, I was told around April 23rd, but I don't doubt it will take longer.  It always does. There's always more involved.

I speak with the lawyer (well, her senior associate) on a daily basis through email and send her many documents. The lawyer was recommended to us through our agency and has helped other families through Adoption Hope International in the past.  I think some of these circumstances turned out favorable, but I don't really even want to know.  It's one of the largest firms in the Baltics.  I might be young, but this adoption process has given me many experiences in dealing with "the system." Things like:

1. Flying to a new country
2. Meeting with people in another culture in a formal setting
3. Wiring money to another country and converting to euros...you know you have to go to your bank to do this?  I sure didn't.  It's not as movie-esque as it might seem.
4.  Understanding and signing important documents and contracts
5.  More legal jargon than I ever cared to know or understand

Our first court hearing concerning the biggest and most important event in our entire lives relies on one person (who has never met us). We will not be in attendance.  How is that for security?

As I understand it, the "committee" is only three people.  Only three people's hearts, and a judge and jury for God to change. Depending on the grounds the committee used to make their decision, "the outcome may not be favorable," in the words of our lawyer. If we win this case, it will annul the decision and the committee meets again to make a new one.  Another impossible challenge.

Our agency and the Minister of the children recommends we fight this. Despite all of this hopelessness, everyone around us is hopeful. I am hopeful. I still feel them. FEEL them. They are a huge part of me. Like I said, I don't know if it's denial and refusal to accept our fate, or if it's God trying to tell me everything's going to be alright. I still can't picture my life without them in it.  I have to hold on to that hope (Hebrews 11:1).

What about fundraising?  We are still fundraising and proceeding as normal. No matter what happens, we will still adopt, God-willing. Right now I can't think about a plan B.

One thing the lawyer said could help would be letters of support. Support in the sense of our commitment to our word, that we are sane, that we do have some experience with children even if we've never raised any of our own. The only problem is we don't have much time to get the letters.  I have to send them off this week.

Please pray for April 23rd, or whenever it ends up happening. Pray for conversations, for strength and for God to do things that are often impossible for us, but not for Him. Pray for him to change hearts.

Hope for Rowan

The same day we found out our adoption news, we also found out our nephew, Rowan, was diagnosed with leukemia. Lord, he is only TWO! My heart breaks just knowing the grief and anxiety Emily and Ben are facing.  Emily is Josh's twin sister.  
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

We love you, Rowan. You sweet, sweet boy. Here is their blog for messages of hope, donations, and photos. Please check out their blog, but grab a tissue beforehand.  She's a great writer.  Keep Rowan and his family lifted up in prayer.  

http://hopeforrowan.wordpress.com/

Troubles

Coal, if exposed to the most intense temperatures and pressure has the potential to turn into diamonds.  It doesn't happen over night; it's a slow, torturous process. But in the end, the coal transforms from something ordinary into a precious jewel.  I can only hope that I am something like the coal.  God is the force that is slowly working in me. Though there is pain, fire, and pressure all around, I know He will one day complete the work He began in me.  Our adoption process is the slow and painful torture that is molding me and shaping me into a new person. I am a vulnerable target for a wide range of emotions. The highs and lows I sometimes experience on a given day make me feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I am constantly having to put all my faith into something unseen.  And while I hope that the outcome will be whatever God's will is...I secretly wish that His hope is for what I want.

I never ever would have thought I'd be sitting here typing blog post after blog post about God and the great love, or great plans He has for us.  Yet here I am.  I can only attribute it to the fact that He has been in relentless pursuit of my heart. Isaiah 43:1 says, "I have summoned you by name; You are mine."  He has sent person after person into my life to be my little stepping stones of faith. I would be a completely different person without them. Now I am to a point where I am bubbling over with the love he has for me, that I can't hold it in. I feel like Josh and I are doing these radical things to follow Him, turning our lives upside down and willingly letting Him lead us through each open door. It should all be easy a pie, right?

Josh and I are in need of prayer more than ever.

Last week, we received some unbelievable news.  The Estonian Social Affairs Committee for International Adoptions denied our adoption. Their reasons and concerns for their decisions are completely valid, stating that at 27 and 28 years old, we are not psychologically mature enough to handle raising three young and broken boys. We have no experience being parents. Though we've been married for 4 years, our marriage is still young.

Each of these reasons has created a big resounding "I can't" on my heart. I've been given many opportunities to work with so many different children with varying levels of need over the last 8 years in education and daycare. I've gained a lot of knowledge through trial and error, books, and trying out strategies shared by colleagues. I know it's a huge challenge, but I have always felt capable to do this. I know my husband has the hugest heart and is one of the most incredibly understanding and patient people I've ever met.  We've gone through class after class, and read book after book in order to prepare our hearts for the challenges we'll face.  So why I am letting these few sentences make me think we can't?  Because I. hate. rejection.  I simply can't handle it.  I can't.

Bottom line:  at this far in the process, we shouldn't have been denied. They have undermined several official decisions- ranging from the Hague Agreement, to the US government, our agency, social workers in both countries, and the Minister of Estonian orphans' decision. How can this be allowed?  I have no idea. We meet all requirements in order to adopt from Estonia, but while their decision is discriminatory, it is their decision to make.  While this appears hopeless right now, our agency, friends, and God's word are telling us both not to give up.  It's not the end of the road yet.

We've been advised to hire a lawyer in Estonia to appeal the decision.  This could take months.  After that, we've been told the best case outcome would be to force the Committee to reconvene to make a new decision.  One that will remain the same unless we can do something to change their minds. I just don't know what that is yet. Could we ask to have them meet us in person?  Send letters of recommendation regarding our character and ability to be good parents?  I thought we were past all of this.  Could it simply be that we just ask that God change their hearts?

We have to pay for the lawyer upfront.  If the adoption is successful in the end, this fee with be taken out of our international fee.  That is great news.  However, if we lose in the end, we will lose out on all the money we spent. I can just hear God saying, "So you think you have faith?  Time for you to put your money where your mouth is. Literally."

I am ranging daily from hopeful to grieving.  Grieving over three little boys that have been a part of me for whole year.  Grieving over letting so many people down; everyone who has been supporting us, and yet still asking for support, because now we need it more than ever. We are right, smack dab in the middle of 3 fundraising efforts, and we haven't been told it's over, so we've got to keep moving forward.   I know if this adoption does not end in our favor, we will still adopt. God will have other children in store for us. But I feel like a huge part of me is dying. I feel like there is this huge hole in my chest. I can't talk about it.  I can't think about it.  I can't even look people in the eye.

So please just pray, and respect that I might not be answering the phone if you call. I am exhausted telling the story over and over again, and really can't make it through it without crying.  How can I be so upset over something I never had?

I know people are going to be saying, "just let us know what you need."As we all do when we are hurting for a friend and want to encourage them.  Well, here are our deepest needs:

1.  We need prayer.
2.  We need supporters to help us plan and carry out the Both Hands project.
3.  We need a support group, who after the adoption, are going to people we can count on to be involved in our lives- I mean really be there, if we need a night off, need help driving the boys to doctor's appointments, and who knows what else. We'll just need you.

Everything I am still reading and hearing from God all leads to this:  "Do not give up. Do not lose heart, my daughter. Have hope in what you do not see."  The Lord will work everything out for His good. As long as we are still in His will and not fighting him on what He wants for us, He will turn this hopeless decision into a story His strength and mercy on those who love him. It can be a situation where all can look and say, "There is a God.  This couldn't have happened without Him."  Or it could be the start of a new path.  I just pray that we don't have to question anymore.

Romans 8:24-25; 28  Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God is interceding for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us?  (Romans 8:31). It isn't over yet.  We are fighting back.