Chapter 1: Hope and Healing

Dare I open the stack of dvd's and new adoption books that came in the mail?  (Thank you SHOWHOPE-  everyone who applies for a grant has the option to order a load of adoption resources for free).  Well, after weeks of looking at them and worrying that they'll only upset me in our present situation, I decided to open the study guide, "Created to Connect." It's a spin-off of Karyn Purvis' The Connected Child, a wonderful book that has even helped me in the classroom. The first article was all about HOPE. If you have adopted and haven't read this study guide I would suggest it.  It has discussion questions for small groups, too. I'm just going to quote the first paragraph, which is really for post-adoption, but still helped me today.

"Hope.  It's a little word with lots of different meanings at that.  Hope is something everyone wants and certainly needs. Without hope, there is little reason to go on, as in the saying that signals the bitter end- "when all hope is lost." With hope and for hope people persevere and do extraordinary things, even though it may seem to some that the situation is "beyond all hope." And when hope merely proves to be "false hope" or hope seemingly fails, it can be discouraging and at times even devastating.  The question is not whether hope is important in our lives, but rather what exactly is hope and how can we find it."

I sure did need that today.  Thank you, Dr. Purvis and M&A Monroe.

Faith or Insanity?

Faith?  Or beyond insanity?  Faith or pure denial? I'm not sure which category I am in anymore, but I'd like to think it's faith.

I don't have much to note on, but I want to let you all know we are moving forward with filing the appeal for our boys. It should happen soon, I was told around April 23rd, but I don't doubt it will take longer.  It always does. There's always more involved.

I speak with the lawyer (well, her senior associate) on a daily basis through email and send her many documents. The lawyer was recommended to us through our agency and has helped other families through Adoption Hope International in the past.  I think some of these circumstances turned out favorable, but I don't really even want to know.  It's one of the largest firms in the Baltics.  I might be young, but this adoption process has given me many experiences in dealing with "the system." Things like:

1. Flying to a new country
2. Meeting with people in another culture in a formal setting
3. Wiring money to another country and converting to euros...you know you have to go to your bank to do this?  I sure didn't.  It's not as movie-esque as it might seem.
4.  Understanding and signing important documents and contracts
5.  More legal jargon than I ever cared to know or understand

Our first court hearing concerning the biggest and most important event in our entire lives relies on one person (who has never met us). We will not be in attendance.  How is that for security?

As I understand it, the "committee" is only three people.  Only three people's hearts, and a judge and jury for God to change. Depending on the grounds the committee used to make their decision, "the outcome may not be favorable," in the words of our lawyer. If we win this case, it will annul the decision and the committee meets again to make a new one.  Another impossible challenge.

Our agency and the Minister of the children recommends we fight this. Despite all of this hopelessness, everyone around us is hopeful. I am hopeful. I still feel them. FEEL them. They are a huge part of me. Like I said, I don't know if it's denial and refusal to accept our fate, or if it's God trying to tell me everything's going to be alright. I still can't picture my life without them in it.  I have to hold on to that hope (Hebrews 11:1).

What about fundraising?  We are still fundraising and proceeding as normal. No matter what happens, we will still adopt, God-willing. Right now I can't think about a plan B.

One thing the lawyer said could help would be letters of support. Support in the sense of our commitment to our word, that we are sane, that we do have some experience with children even if we've never raised any of our own. The only problem is we don't have much time to get the letters.  I have to send them off this week.

Please pray for April 23rd, or whenever it ends up happening. Pray for conversations, for strength and for God to do things that are often impossible for us, but not for Him. Pray for him to change hearts.

Hope for Rowan

The same day we found out our adoption news, we also found out our nephew, Rowan, was diagnosed with leukemia. Lord, he is only TWO! My heart breaks just knowing the grief and anxiety Emily and Ben are facing.  Emily is Josh's twin sister.  
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

We love you, Rowan. You sweet, sweet boy. Here is their blog for messages of hope, donations, and photos. Please check out their blog, but grab a tissue beforehand.  She's a great writer.  Keep Rowan and his family lifted up in prayer.  

http://hopeforrowan.wordpress.com/

Troubles

Coal, if exposed to the most intense temperatures and pressure has the potential to turn into diamonds.  It doesn't happen over night; it's a slow, torturous process. But in the end, the coal transforms from something ordinary into a precious jewel.  I can only hope that I am something like the coal.  God is the force that is slowly working in me. Though there is pain, fire, and pressure all around, I know He will one day complete the work He began in me.  Our adoption process is the slow and painful torture that is molding me and shaping me into a new person. I am a vulnerable target for a wide range of emotions. The highs and lows I sometimes experience on a given day make me feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I am constantly having to put all my faith into something unseen.  And while I hope that the outcome will be whatever God's will is...I secretly wish that His hope is for what I want.

I never ever would have thought I'd be sitting here typing blog post after blog post about God and the great love, or great plans He has for us.  Yet here I am.  I can only attribute it to the fact that He has been in relentless pursuit of my heart. Isaiah 43:1 says, "I have summoned you by name; You are mine."  He has sent person after person into my life to be my little stepping stones of faith. I would be a completely different person without them. Now I am to a point where I am bubbling over with the love he has for me, that I can't hold it in. I feel like Josh and I are doing these radical things to follow Him, turning our lives upside down and willingly letting Him lead us through each open door. It should all be easy a pie, right?

Josh and I are in need of prayer more than ever.

Last week, we received some unbelievable news.  The Estonian Social Affairs Committee for International Adoptions denied our adoption. Their reasons and concerns for their decisions are completely valid, stating that at 27 and 28 years old, we are not psychologically mature enough to handle raising three young and broken boys. We have no experience being parents. Though we've been married for 4 years, our marriage is still young.

Each of these reasons has created a big resounding "I can't" on my heart. I've been given many opportunities to work with so many different children with varying levels of need over the last 8 years in education and daycare. I've gained a lot of knowledge through trial and error, books, and trying out strategies shared by colleagues. I know it's a huge challenge, but I have always felt capable to do this. I know my husband has the hugest heart and is one of the most incredibly understanding and patient people I've ever met.  We've gone through class after class, and read book after book in order to prepare our hearts for the challenges we'll face.  So why I am letting these few sentences make me think we can't?  Because I. hate. rejection.  I simply can't handle it.  I can't.

Bottom line:  at this far in the process, we shouldn't have been denied. They have undermined several official decisions- ranging from the Hague Agreement, to the US government, our agency, social workers in both countries, and the Minister of Estonian orphans' decision. How can this be allowed?  I have no idea. We meet all requirements in order to adopt from Estonia, but while their decision is discriminatory, it is their decision to make.  While this appears hopeless right now, our agency, friends, and God's word are telling us both not to give up.  It's not the end of the road yet.

We've been advised to hire a lawyer in Estonia to appeal the decision.  This could take months.  After that, we've been told the best case outcome would be to force the Committee to reconvene to make a new decision.  One that will remain the same unless we can do something to change their minds. I just don't know what that is yet. Could we ask to have them meet us in person?  Send letters of recommendation regarding our character and ability to be good parents?  I thought we were past all of this.  Could it simply be that we just ask that God change their hearts?

We have to pay for the lawyer upfront.  If the adoption is successful in the end, this fee with be taken out of our international fee.  That is great news.  However, if we lose in the end, we will lose out on all the money we spent. I can just hear God saying, "So you think you have faith?  Time for you to put your money where your mouth is. Literally."

I am ranging daily from hopeful to grieving.  Grieving over three little boys that have been a part of me for whole year.  Grieving over letting so many people down; everyone who has been supporting us, and yet still asking for support, because now we need it more than ever. We are right, smack dab in the middle of 3 fundraising efforts, and we haven't been told it's over, so we've got to keep moving forward.   I know if this adoption does not end in our favor, we will still adopt. God will have other children in store for us. But I feel like a huge part of me is dying. I feel like there is this huge hole in my chest. I can't talk about it.  I can't think about it.  I can't even look people in the eye.

So please just pray, and respect that I might not be answering the phone if you call. I am exhausted telling the story over and over again, and really can't make it through it without crying.  How can I be so upset over something I never had?

I know people are going to be saying, "just let us know what you need."As we all do when we are hurting for a friend and want to encourage them.  Well, here are our deepest needs:

1.  We need prayer.
2.  We need supporters to help us plan and carry out the Both Hands project.
3.  We need a support group, who after the adoption, are going to people we can count on to be involved in our lives- I mean really be there, if we need a night off, need help driving the boys to doctor's appointments, and who knows what else. We'll just need you.

Everything I am still reading and hearing from God all leads to this:  "Do not give up. Do not lose heart, my daughter. Have hope in what you do not see."  The Lord will work everything out for His good. As long as we are still in His will and not fighting him on what He wants for us, He will turn this hopeless decision into a story His strength and mercy on those who love him. It can be a situation where all can look and say, "There is a God.  This couldn't have happened without Him."  Or it could be the start of a new path.  I just pray that we don't have to question anymore.

Romans 8:24-25; 28  Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God is interceding for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us?  (Romans 8:31). It isn't over yet.  We are fighting back.