Troubles

Coal, if exposed to the most intense temperatures and pressure has the potential to turn into diamonds.  It doesn't happen over night; it's a slow, torturous process. But in the end, the coal transforms from something ordinary into a precious jewel.  I can only hope that I am something like the coal.  God is the force that is slowly working in me. Though there is pain, fire, and pressure all around, I know He will one day complete the work He began in me.  Our adoption process is the slow and painful torture that is molding me and shaping me into a new person. I am a vulnerable target for a wide range of emotions. The highs and lows I sometimes experience on a given day make me feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I am constantly having to put all my faith into something unseen.  And while I hope that the outcome will be whatever God's will is...I secretly wish that His hope is for what I want.

I never ever would have thought I'd be sitting here typing blog post after blog post about God and the great love, or great plans He has for us.  Yet here I am.  I can only attribute it to the fact that He has been in relentless pursuit of my heart. Isaiah 43:1 says, "I have summoned you by name; You are mine."  He has sent person after person into my life to be my little stepping stones of faith. I would be a completely different person without them. Now I am to a point where I am bubbling over with the love he has for me, that I can't hold it in. I feel like Josh and I are doing these radical things to follow Him, turning our lives upside down and willingly letting Him lead us through each open door. It should all be easy a pie, right?

Josh and I are in need of prayer more than ever.

Last week, we received some unbelievable news.  The Estonian Social Affairs Committee for International Adoptions denied our adoption. Their reasons and concerns for their decisions are completely valid, stating that at 27 and 28 years old, we are not psychologically mature enough to handle raising three young and broken boys. We have no experience being parents. Though we've been married for 4 years, our marriage is still young.

Each of these reasons has created a big resounding "I can't" on my heart. I've been given many opportunities to work with so many different children with varying levels of need over the last 8 years in education and daycare. I've gained a lot of knowledge through trial and error, books, and trying out strategies shared by colleagues. I know it's a huge challenge, but I have always felt capable to do this. I know my husband has the hugest heart and is one of the most incredibly understanding and patient people I've ever met.  We've gone through class after class, and read book after book in order to prepare our hearts for the challenges we'll face.  So why I am letting these few sentences make me think we can't?  Because I. hate. rejection.  I simply can't handle it.  I can't.

Bottom line:  at this far in the process, we shouldn't have been denied. They have undermined several official decisions- ranging from the Hague Agreement, to the US government, our agency, social workers in both countries, and the Minister of Estonian orphans' decision. How can this be allowed?  I have no idea. We meet all requirements in order to adopt from Estonia, but while their decision is discriminatory, it is their decision to make.  While this appears hopeless right now, our agency, friends, and God's word are telling us both not to give up.  It's not the end of the road yet.

We've been advised to hire a lawyer in Estonia to appeal the decision.  This could take months.  After that, we've been told the best case outcome would be to force the Committee to reconvene to make a new decision.  One that will remain the same unless we can do something to change their minds. I just don't know what that is yet. Could we ask to have them meet us in person?  Send letters of recommendation regarding our character and ability to be good parents?  I thought we were past all of this.  Could it simply be that we just ask that God change their hearts?

We have to pay for the lawyer upfront.  If the adoption is successful in the end, this fee with be taken out of our international fee.  That is great news.  However, if we lose in the end, we will lose out on all the money we spent. I can just hear God saying, "So you think you have faith?  Time for you to put your money where your mouth is. Literally."

I am ranging daily from hopeful to grieving.  Grieving over three little boys that have been a part of me for whole year.  Grieving over letting so many people down; everyone who has been supporting us, and yet still asking for support, because now we need it more than ever. We are right, smack dab in the middle of 3 fundraising efforts, and we haven't been told it's over, so we've got to keep moving forward.   I know if this adoption does not end in our favor, we will still adopt. God will have other children in store for us. But I feel like a huge part of me is dying. I feel like there is this huge hole in my chest. I can't talk about it.  I can't think about it.  I can't even look people in the eye.

So please just pray, and respect that I might not be answering the phone if you call. I am exhausted telling the story over and over again, and really can't make it through it without crying.  How can I be so upset over something I never had?

I know people are going to be saying, "just let us know what you need."As we all do when we are hurting for a friend and want to encourage them.  Well, here are our deepest needs:

1.  We need prayer.
2.  We need supporters to help us plan and carry out the Both Hands project.
3.  We need a support group, who after the adoption, are going to people we can count on to be involved in our lives- I mean really be there, if we need a night off, need help driving the boys to doctor's appointments, and who knows what else. We'll just need you.

Everything I am still reading and hearing from God all leads to this:  "Do not give up. Do not lose heart, my daughter. Have hope in what you do not see."  The Lord will work everything out for His good. As long as we are still in His will and not fighting him on what He wants for us, He will turn this hopeless decision into a story His strength and mercy on those who love him. It can be a situation where all can look and say, "There is a God.  This couldn't have happened without Him."  Or it could be the start of a new path.  I just pray that we don't have to question anymore.

Romans 8:24-25; 28  Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God is interceding for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us?  (Romans 8:31). It isn't over yet.  We are fighting back.